The US State Department, in response to accusations that Americans are uninformed about world politics, has released a new plan to help the most powerful nation’s people to better understand the rest of the world. The method used will not include memorization or difficult tests. Rather, the United States will rename other countries, governments, and religions to make discussing them more relevant to Americans. “Most Americans sound stupid when trying to discuss world politics,” says Secretary of State John Kerry. “The goal of renaming the world is so that we can discuss real issues with our friends and neighbors without getting confused and calling each other names.”

Conservative Parents have traditionally used traditional names for their children, even as some of them make valiant efforts to be as unique as artsy, liberal parents. While there have been spikes in names like George, Barbara, and Nancy within the past few decades, imaginative conservatives have chosen Reagan as a go-to name, as well. The realization that George II was a bit of a dope followed by nearly a decade of a Muslim-named president led to such names as Easton, Wilson, Rawlings, Spalding, Mizuno, and Bombat, as GenXers to Millennials remembered the simple times of playing baseball at the sandlot. Now that Donald Trump is our fearless leader, there will be a spike in names associated with the president. Sara Manning of ConservativeBabyNames.com has predicted that, barring an impeachment, Donald will surpass Aiden, Kaden, and Jayden in the top ten of American baby names. “While conservatives tend to choose more traditional names or names associated with power rather than trailer park names like Jayden, it will be nice to see some of our names supplanting those of the downtrodden,” Manning said. “For the girls, the obvious choice will be Ivanka, a name that symbolizes female power and beauty.” According to Manning, Trump will not be a first name, but Bannon and Conway will be excellent male names. Some will go a bit further in order to be unique, choosing Vlad for a boy destined to lead the family business with an iron fist. While Sergey will likely not see a surge because of its propensity to elicit “SirGay” from the masses, Kislyak can be a cute girl’s name. Other names that will entice the refined parent include Pence as either boy or girl, Tillerson or Mattis for the boys, and Carson for .2% of minority boys. While Flynn, Carter, and Page will be on the outside looking in, Assange will likely become a female name in the near future. For those looking to make a bold statement, Kremlin would work for either boy or girl. Manning claims that press attacks on Eric will limit the name’s resurgence, but Barron will hit the charts along with Melania. However, Tiffany and Marla are considered as tasteless as Hillary for the true conservative. “You wouldn’t name your kid Golddigger or Bitch, would you?” asked Manning.