American Dreaming With Dan Brubus

Keep driving your SUVs, people, because we’re about make history! I knew my Lord and savior Jesus Christ was on my side when I decided against going to Miami to take a job with a competitor. “Yeah, the weather sucks here,” I reasoned, “and the girls aren’t nearly as hot, but I can afford a Brookfield mansion for less than a million bucks, and still have enough left over to stock my garage.” Anyhow, the great weather is about to come to me, so I’ll be retiring at about 55 with more money in the bank than you’ll make in a lifetime, and beautiful weather, as well. What do we have to thank for all this? Global warming, of course.

 

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change just released new data that predict numerous climatological events for Wisconsin, created by our own addiction to oil, in which I have invested heavily. Here are some of those “catastrophic” events.


Temperatures in Wisconsin will rise by about five degrees by 2039. Maybe ten degrees by 2100. Yipee! Buried ships and interesting geological features will be exposed by dropping Great Lakes water levels. Surface temperatures of Midwestern lakes could reach 86 degrees. That’s pretty nice for a jump in the old lake after a day on my yacht.


For all you hippies, growing seasons and forests will increase. You can maybe grow your own marijuana. Heat waves will increase by 25%, so those 86 degree lakes will feel nice and cool
Up to one-third of the worthless plant and animal species may be doomed to extinction—it’ll be like a science experiment in our freakin backyards.


Basically, if you maintain the right attitude, not much is really going to happen with this whole global warming thing. American consumerism is what drives the entire global economy, and we cannot slow down for some tree-hugging Scandanavian socialists who want us to sign
treaties that cut pollution. Honestly, the EU can cut all the emissions they want, and we’ll still let the lazy chain-smokers come along on our economic ride. And China and India just better back off with their nuclear weapons and outrageous pollution—since when do they have the right to do that? Luckily, we’ve got it all together here in America, and now we can look forward to more pleasant weather, as well.

Friday, February 18, 2011 16235
The Wisconsin Minutemen, a Tea Party group from Washington County, have bestowed Scott Walker with an honorary college degree from The International College of Metaphysical Theology. John Murphy, representing the Minutemen, presented Walker with the honorary degree in the midst of the public condemnation of Walker's attacks on state employee unions. Said Murphy, "We wanted to once and for all end the rumors and accusations surrounding Scott Walker and his lack of education. He's doing exactly as he's been told, and that's what a good politician or student does."
Friday, November 18, 2016 9326
What we say and what we mean about Donald Trump. These words apply to both liberal and conservative, friend and foe. Probably even offspring and wives. What we say: He’s a successful businessman What we mean: He runs companies into the ground yet stays rich. He fails time and again yet claims to be an authority. He tells truthful hyperbole and people believe him. That’s probably success. What we say: He has small hands What we mean: He has a small cock and compensates buy covering things in gold that have no business being covered in gold, like his hair color. What we say: He tells it like it is What we mean: He makes everything up as he goes, and does it loudly, like an American tourist in Western Europe. He’s your idiot cousin who’s good at oil changes, so you let him change your oil, even if he insists on listening to his favorite Limp Bizkit CD. What we say: What he said about women is locker room talk, and his accusers are liars What we mean: Men: I WISH I could get away with saying and doing what he’s said and done. Women: With that money and power, he can grab me like a pair of boots on Black Friday What we say: He’s a Christian What we mean: I care about one issue in the world, and that’s abortion. And not being compassionate towards foreigners or those who are sick. And making a lot of money. What we say: He’ll make America great again What we mean: My wife stopped giving me head after a year of marriage, and then some brown person moved into the house two over from me and has a better job than my wife who has a better job than me. What we say: He says what I want to say and isn’t politically correct What we mean: I will no longer be seen as the biggest douchebag around at family gatherings and on social media. What we say: He’s a good person What we mean: I care about one issue in the world, and that’s abortion. And not being compassionate towards foreigners or those who are sick. And making a lot of money. What we say: He has a beautiful wife What we mean: She is a golddigger and a trophy. He’s a sleazy old man who is the envy of most other old men who don’t have the money or energy to be sleazy. What we say: His wife is not only beautiful but also intelligent What we mean: She’s a stupid fashion model who looks good in anything, even smart people clothes, and she can get away with plagiarism and saying less than a Muslim wife because she’s from a Third-World Eastern European Country and freakin stupid, but I don’t care. What we say: He’s taking America back! What we mean: A Black president was as much as I could handle. A woman? Hell no! I’m not racist or sexist. I’m just telling it like it is.

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