McCain will make a series of appearances and debates that will focus on his personal life, minus the messy divorce and notoriously bad temper. Since McCain is next in line to maintain the status quo, he will be asked to bring every argument back around to his heroism, since he has no actual plans to discuss. Real Wisconsin News has obtained a document prepared to coach John McCain that demonstrates how he will reference his own heroism and patriotism while continuously questioning Barack Obama’s.

Q. Senator McCain, what do you plan to do differently that will turn our economy around?

A. I believe the America’s economy is fundamentally sound. Americans are patriotic, at least those who believe in America, and we need to reinvest in ourselves. That’s why I will lower taxes where I can and increase defense spending to protect our great nation. I will never abandon any of our soldiers. I know what it’s like to feel abandoned as a soldier. Let me tell you, the Hanoi Hilton was no picnic, and I survived. Americans will survive, too, because we all have determination and drive. We will survive the terrorist onslaughts and a Democratic congress that refuses to make the tough decisions about war.

Q. Our educational system regularly ranks behind other countries’. What would you do to improve education?

A. My wife’s a special education teacher, so I know a little something about that. I also know that there are some things in life that can’t be taught in school, like how to survive a 36-hour torture session. We all can live the American Dream because of our soldiers who fight to protect the American way of life. Did we give up in Iraq just because some of the good guys were getting murdered? No, we fought harder, and teachers are going to have to fight harder to get the kids to be smarter.

Q. What will your energy policy be like as president?

A. Imagine if I would have come to work one day as a pilot and the commanding officer would have told me, “We can’t save the world from evil-doers today because we don’t have enough fuel for you to fly your mission.” We cannot protect ourselves from the threat of those who would kill us unless we have enough fuel, like when German Panzers ran out of fuel during the Battle of the Bulge. It’s not like running out of gas in a Chicago traffic jam.

Q. Health care is a major concern for many Americans. How will your plan help those without healthcare?

A. I realize that middle class people who make less than $5 million annually probably have a hard time making ends meet. When I was in a prison camp getting by on six grains of rice and whatever bugs I could find each day and fending off syphilis, I realized that nobody wants to live like that, and that’s what I was fighting to defend us from. I could say that life is easy for us all because we live in the greatest nation on earth, but some of us have to sacrifice in order for this nation to be great. I was one of those people, and people who love their country like me are always willing to do the same. And if you have more than someone else, be willing to help the little guy out—it’s much more effective than the government taking care of them.

Q. How will you deal with terrorism and international relations?

A. Simply put, we will not negotiate with terrorists, communists in our hemisphere, sovereign nations whose governments we do not recognize, regimes, or any countries wishing us harm. When I was a prisoner of war, I learned to shut my mouth and hate others. And when I lost three planes in combat, I learned all the tactics I’d messed up on at the Academy, and now I’m ready to talk, and I’m ready to fly without crashing. Barack Obama has never had bamboo needles shoved underneath every one of his fingernails and toenails (unless it was some sort of fraternity initiation) so he can’t understand what it takes to do what needs to be done to maintain relations and rid the world of those who would oppose us. Has Obama ever had the side of his face seared on a wok when it wasn’t his wife doing it to him because he forgot to take out the garbage? Let me ask you, has Barack Obama ever been tortured to the brink of insanity and then a little further? Well, for the love of my country, I have, and that’s why you should vote for me. And if we all adopt a heavy-set Indian girl like my wife and I did, we’d have much better relations with them and they wouldn’t take so many of our jobs.