The possible next vice president of the United States has proven that abstinence-only education works in schools and for families, especially for other people’s families, and the proof is in the fact that fewer youngsters know much about sex before they have it.

 

While some people believe that sex education helps young people understand the risks of teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and catty behavior amongst their peers, Palin and others feel that learning about sex only encourages teens to have sex at a younger age. Supporters of abstinence-only education feel that the home is the right place to avoid learning about sex, and the issues such as teen pregnancy and social diseases are not the concern of government but of families.

When asked by Real Wisconsin News how the daughter of a socially-conservative politician could get pregnant at a young age, Palin said, “Bill Clinton and his public escapades gave children the wrong impression about sex, and unregulated television and internet broadcasts allow children access to material they should not see. This is a problem a strong socially-conservative administration can regulate more fully. My daughter is the victim of a morally-corrupt society that uses sex to sell everything from condoms to beer.”

Palin continued, “My daughter will finish high school and marry the young man who also is a victim of society. While they did not wait until marriage to have sex and may suffer eternal damnation, we are proud of her for keeping the child and we are way more proud to be grandparents. Our daughter will learn a valuable lesson about not having sex from this experience, and whatever does not cause us to disown her will make her stronger in the end. Besides, she will be reminded of her sin every morning at 2:00 and 5:30 for the first three months.”

Real Wisconsin News asked Mrs. Palin if lines such as “You can’t get pregnant the first time” or “Everyone else is doing it” were used on her daughter. She responded, “As I said, because of morally-corrupt Democrats, everyone IS doing it, and obviously you can’t get pregnant the first time, so they must have been done it at least twice. Since women cannot get pregnant while on top or standing up, they, you get the picture. And she obviously did not immediately take a shower or urinate, or jump backwards nine times before the sun came up, probably because those heathen pornographic programs the children somehow get access to in other parents’ homes never demonstrate proven contraceptive behaviors, and we were waiting to talk to her about it until she was twenty-three. It’s not like WE let her do anything more than hold hands and exchange promise rings with her boyfriend, but the liberal media continually bombards children with ideas that saving yourself until marriage is just silly.”

When asked about the situation, Obama said that families are off-limits, which may seem like a strange strategy to take versus a socially-conservative candidate running on a platform of idealistic morals and ethics. “Hey,” Obama said, “we don’t need another Dick-Cheney-lesbian-daughter fiasco. When he told Edwards he’d crossed the line, Democrats realized we couldn’t make moral issues the Republicans force on others about their own families, because that’s off-limits.”

Real Wisconsin News also asked the governor if she had learned anything from her family’s situation that will help her as president when McCain succumbs to old-age. “I learned that when people tell you they’re ‘studying’ in their room, you should check on them every once in a while. I learned that the FCC needs to be more Christian in its decision-making. I learned that we need education reform because abstinence-only education is not being taught in our schools as well as it should be. And finally, I learned that we cannot blame ourselves for the problems obviously caused by others, and we just have to maintain the same values and stay the course.

When asked why McCain chose Palin even though he knew about the pregnancy, McCain campaign manager Rick Davis said, “The reality is that people get excited about young people having sex, and the pregnancy should catapult the McCain/Palin ticket to the presidency. Besides, all we have to do is tell the Democrats that they can’t talk about it because families are off-limits, and they run like the cowards they are. Our GOP operatives and Fox News have become near-perfect at spinning public opinion, and this is no different. Palin’s a working mom who can’t be with her daughter every second of every day, which makes her ‘more human.’ Bush won two elections because people saw him as human instead of just stupid.”

 

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