DNA from Tomb in Jerusalem Raided to Clone Messiah

What if God was one of us, and not just an annoying refrain from a Joan Osborne song? What if we could harness the DNA of God, and maybe make our own a little better for the effort? What if we could prove God exists for all the non-believers?

These are the questions being tackled right now by a Canadian DNA lab that has said that it has enough DNA from a tomb and reburial site found in Jerusalem, the subject of a recent documentary, to physically recreate the human once belonging to that DNA. The twist (yes, pun intended) is that the DNA is purported to be that of the Son of God Himself, Jesus Christ.

Archeologists and filmmakers recently discussed the possibility of a tomb found in the Holy Land being that of Jesus’ family, including Joseph, Mary, and one Mary Magdalene. In order to prove that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were not brother and sister (though in the same tomb), the filmmakers had some DNA sent to Canada to be analyzed. That’s right folks, DNA from the tomb of Jesus!

The scientists in Canada confirmed that the DNA was not from siblings and the documentary used the evidence to help build their case. There was not enough DNA at the time to make any other determinations. However, with the recent claimed discovery of the actual burial place of the skeletal remains from the tombs (having been reburied by Orthodox Jews), enough DNA now exists to not only determine if Jesus and Mary Magdalene were getting it on and making babies, but also if Jesus was predisposed to congenital heart failure and if Jesus was really 6’5” like some coloring books imply. The DNA will also make cloning possible, and this is where the story turns murky and more interesting.

The Canadian lab that initially tested the DNA now wants to clone Jesus, and they’re being backed by $1 billion from an anonymous source. They plan on implanting the cloned Son of Man into a 16 year-old virgin, which actually does not exist in Canada because of years of Degrassi Junior High reruns, no gun violence, less binge drinking, and longer winters than the United States. A global talent search will be held in Toronto to find the next Mother of God, and the CBC expects an American Idol-like feel to the auditions, to be aired around the world (on the Fox network in the United States). When asked if the swimsuit competition would degrade the future Mother of God in any way, officials said that clothes do not make the man, or woman.

Once the new Mother of God is found, a process known as somatic cell nuclear transfer will be used on one of her eggs. This process is similar to the way God may have implanted the original DNA for Christ into Mary, as the donor egg cell’s nucleus will be removed and a cell with Jesus’ DNA will be fused with the egg cell. Scientists will be using a device dubbed “The Holy Spirit” to perform the process. Yes, with science, all things are possible. After the normal human incubation period, the Lamb of God will emerge as a babe in a similar way Dolly the sheep did, and people from all over the world will likely send gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Of course, the downside to all of excitement would be the impending end of the world with the Second Coming of Christ. Also, the DNA could be seen by many as not really the DNA of Jesus Christ, but of some other guy named Jesus, and he therefore may be alternately seen as the Anti-Christ. Of course, trials and tribulations and wars and rumors of war may also ensue, so we should all be prepared for that sort of noise, as well.

The plan for Jesus’ upbringing has been debated, and most people feel that the Middle East is way too unstable for such an undertaking, so he will most likely be raised in Southern California, with instant celebrity status. Debates have raged for years as to how much of a role upbringing and experiences play in the development of a cloned human, so we might either see a young Jesus turning over tables at Hollywood talent agents’ offices, or a young child star who gets into trouble with the law and illicit drug use. Analysts have little doubt that Scientologists will attempt to recruit the young Savior, but he would likely mercifully smite them from the earth, though Jesus was not known for his smiting. Whether the Apocalypse is near, or simply another 2000 years of waiting around, this experiment in humans playing God is sure to be exciting news for years to come, and Real Wisconsin News will keep you informed.